Reality About Grief
What is written and said about grief is almost always very different from the reality about grief and how many of us experience it. In our head we know that grief is a part of life. And we know that at some point in life it will affect to all of us. But grief feels anything but normal for many of us.
Grief and loss affects each of us in unique ways. Some of us will process grief ‘quickly’, while it may take months or years for others to grieve. And it may seem to take a lifetime.
One thing that is true is that there is lots of advice on how we should feel, or how we should act, etc. But the reality is that there are few words written or expressed that describe what someone who’s grieving is truly feeling.
What About the Stages of Grief
It is said that there are stages of grief according to Kubler -Ross. These stages are a helpful model, as they are a means to measure or help us to expect what we may experience. But that doesn’t mean that is what someone in grief will experience. In addition there is no universal set of rules, nor a hand book for grief, something that each of us will experience in life.
What If You Can Not Express Grief
Not having the words to express grief is normal. There are universal words such as sadness, pain and anger we may use. But sometimes it is hard to find any words to explain how we feel. But what it important that you feel what you feel, and know that what you feel is valid. And you don’t have to explain how you feel to anyone unless it is helpful for you and your process through grief.
Grief and Society
When I talk about grief I constantly express how grief is a unique experience. In reality there is nothing to compare it to. And there are no two people who will suffer the same loss or have the same experience of grief. No matter how many similarities we have, all of us have societal norms, unique experiences and models of the world that contribute to how we experience and process grief.
So when we suffer a loss don’t be surprised that you may not react as others expect you too.
Unlike what society may suggest, there is no specific time or no specific way to grieve.
People Want to ‘Fix’ Your Grief
In general society is grief illiterate. As humans most people are incredibly uncomfortable with grief and loss. Or anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. Most people including the medical professions want to ‘fix’ your grief. This means there may be suggestions of therapies, medications and even talk about mental wellness especially when your grief is ‘taking too long’ or considered to be complicated.
Messages About Grief
We, the bereaved, live in a world that is full of messages to “toughen up” and to “move on with life.”
But why is this… because grief is awkward and uncomfortable. It reminds people of their mortality… or that their worst nightmare such as losing a spouse, parent, or maybe their child may occur.
We receive messages that push us to ignore our emotions (“crying isn’t going to bring him back”), and rally against our instincts (“you can’t grieve forever”).
There are so many “shoulds” in our society – you should drink 8 glasses of water a day, you should get back to work fast, you should rest, and you get the theme. There is so much pressure to perform a certain way, and with a lot of judgement around how that turns out. The truth about grief is that no-one knows, and, when things are uncertain people use only advise of what they have heard or deem to be the ‘right ‘ thing to do.
Survival and Grieving
One thing about grief is that acute grief is so destabilizing that you don’t even have the brain power or emotional space to consider what is always best for you. You’re in survival mode, and it can feel like a roller coaster between numb and feeling rage.
Living with grief is hard. It’s it both mentally and socially challenging. There are time you will have difficult thoughts (“if only” thoughts, and “would have, should have, could have” thoughts. There will be feeling of guilt and anger.
Living Post Grief
Learning to live in a post-loss world can be like learning to walk again. You’ll fall down a lot. It takes a ton of self-compassion, self-patience to navigate life after loss. Neither of which most people practise much in their life. To help you in times of grief there are a few things that may help, below are some tips that may help.
Tips for Grief and Grieving
Here are some of the takeaways:
- Don’t judge your thoughts and feelings. Allow them to come and go
- Don’t get ‘over’ it for anyone else
- Give yourself ample space and time to _____ (do what it is you need/want to do)
- Be kind to yourself
- Give yourself permission to do what brings you joy
- Allow your feeling to change over time
- Be flexible and adaptable
- Acknowledge small accomplishments
- Praise yourself
- Acknowledge there is no truth about grief
- Be patient with yourself: “right now it’s like this.”
- Let go of timelines related to healing and grief
- Recognizing your individuality and uniqueness
- Simplify life
- Recognize physical, emotional, mental, social and spiritual limits
- Say no
- Do more of what you love
- Stop putting others first (grief is a self-focused experience for good reason)
- Be forgiving towards yourself
- Say no to a invitation, say yes to a dinner invitation
The reality about grief, is that it can be anything!
Concluding the Reality About Grief
The reality about grief is that is there is no “right” way to do grief. It is a journey that we will all move through and in our own way. But take help when it is there, reach out when you can and take care of yourself by any healthy means. And try not to beat yourself up when you feel the way you feel.
And since we cannot predict the future, taking it one day at a time may be a helpful approach to grief.
